She Fashioned Her Lovers Hung Like.horses

The Bible has some lovely stories in information technology about kindness, empathy, and loving i's fellow humans. Only for every role about "not casting the first stone" and "doing unto others as you'd have them do unto yous," there are likewise a LOT of stories about other kinds of "stones" (the under kind), and "coming in unto" people (pregnant sexual practice) equally well. Below are some of our favorite filthy references from the Good Book.

ane. Dildos and dil-don'ts

1 of the weirder books in the Bible (and we say that with a pillar of table salt) is Ezekiel, who is a visionary and possibly God's starting time experiment with LSD. In Ezekiel, God is pissed about Israel's idolatry and immorality, such as all the jewelry that Judah (the town, who is described equally an adulterous wife-prostitute for some reason) is turning into dildos.

"You also took the fine jewelry I gave yous, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them." (Ezekiel 16:17)

Wives! And then inconsiderate, amirite? You take the fourth dimension and money to requite some nice bling to your doting lady, and she goes and turns them into dongs and whores herself out with them. Adjacent fourth dimension, you should probably get with flowers, Zeke.

2. Women are the worst, function two

Deuteronomy is basically a large, weird pep talk from Moses where he explains God's rules, such as when to marry your sister-in-law (if you're dislocated, hither's a breakup in Legos), when to muzzle one's ox, and when to never seize a man'due south genitals:

"If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the married woman of ane comes near to deliver her husband from the mitt of the one who is hit him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, and so y'all shall cutting off her hand; you shall non show pity." (Deuteronomy 25:xi-12)

So, wait a minute. Two bros are out fighting and and then a wife comes to rescue her husband who'south getting beaten up, but then tries to initiate a menage a trois? There'due south a time and a place, girlfriend! And it is not during Fight Guild. At that place's no orgies in fight guild, as the little known third rule goes. Nosotros call up, mayhap, that the existent reason this gal is slated to get her hand cut off is because she caught her hubby having some gay sexual activity with his young man countryman and was similar, "When in Israel…" and tried to join, merely they were having none of that. But that'southward just our guess.

iii. Boobs and dongs

Ezekiel is back and with weirder sexual imagery than a David Lynch/Mitchell Brothers film.

"When she carried on her whoring and then openly and flaunted her nakedness, I turned in disgust from her, equally I had turned in cloy from her sis. Yet she increased her whoring, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the country of Egypt and lusted afterwards her lovers there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose event was like that of horses. Thus you lot longed for the lewdness of your youth, when the Egyptians handled your bosom and pressed your young breasts." (Ezekiel 23:18-21)

Men were hung like donkeys and boobs were ripe for fondling? How awful. Nosotros totally see why you would desire to leave that place.

4. More boobs

In an attempt to avert "loose" women who will surely ruin you with their words of oil and honey, Proverbs tries to teach men to love their wives whom they've had since they were young: "A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you e'er be intoxicated with her love." (Proverbs 5:19)

Aww, that's kind of sweetness. Unless we're still talking nigh the deer. Then, um.

5. Withal more boobs

Solomon'due south Vocal of Songs could put any Fifty Shades of Grey passage to shame. The book is supposed to be an allegory for God's love, only it reads very much like an erotic verse form. Every bit a friend put it, "Song of Solomon particularly puzzled me as a child. My Bible school teacher tried to tell the states information technology was a man's love alphabetic character to God. Well, God patently has dainty tits." Here's a small sampling:

"Your breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle." (vii.three)

Again with the deer imagery. And at present, gazelles!

"Your stature is similar that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit." (7.7)

"My lover is to me a sachet of myrrh resting betwixt my breasts." (1:13)

Okay, my boobs are woodland creatures, palm trees, and myrrh. We're getting dislocated here, Solomon. Are we playing twenty questions? Is "mineral" next?

"I am a wall, and my breasts are similar towers. Thus I have get in his eyes similar 1 bringing contentment." (eight:x)

Towers? Well that's kind of a stretch, just we guess information technology'south better than grapes.

"Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its option fruits." (4:16)

If that's non cunnilingus, we don't know what is.

And and so there'south this: "My honey put his manus past the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him." (5:4)

Holy crap — literally.

six. A matrimony dowry in foreskins

In Samuel, Male monarch Saul's daughter had the hots for David (of Goliath-slaying fame) and, though Saul was not addicted of David (he idea David was trying to steal his throne), Saul withal planned to use his girl to ensnare David, and so agreed to the marriage. But David was skeptical. He said "Practice you remember it is a small matter to become the male monarch'southward son-in-police force? I'thousand simply a poor homo and little known."

When Saul's servants told him what David had said, Saul replied, "Say to David, 'The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.'" (one Samuel xviii:20-xxx)

Dowries ARE rather old-fashioned, just well, would y'all settle perchance for something less brutal than a hundred Philistine foreskins? It's only that we're rather strapped for fourth dimension, Saul. We hear Bed Bathroom and Beyond is having a auction on monogrammed towels, for instance.

7. More foreskin

Zipporah, the wife of Moses, has a tale in Exodus that is pretty universally agreed-upon as crazy. What happened is that, afterwards the burning bush incident, Moses is headed back to Egypt to free the slaves. While en route, God tries to kill Moses in their tent, for some reason. And so Zipporah, during the scuffle, grabs God'south genitals and and then he cuts off her hand! Just kidding, sad, we can't get over that Deuteronomy bit. No, she takes a stone to their babe son's genitals and circumcises him that fashion. Information technology's written as such:

"And so Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son's foreskin and threw it at Moses' feet, and she said, 'You are indeed a benedict of blood to me.'" (Exodus 4:25)

It's surmised that Zipporah did this because circumcision was how God knew who his chosen peeps were. Even so, yous would think God would have only told Moses that instead of trying to impale him in the night. Though we can't entirely arraign him. We, likewise, take been surprised by an occasional dong coozy surprise in the night, and reached for the nearest rock.

8. A "Lot" of problem

Near people simply think of Lot in terms of his married woman, whom God turned into a colonnade of salt as he "rain[ed] destruction upon Sodom and Gomorrah." (You don't like it, eh? Poof! You are at present an incredibly useful preservative!) But Lot's story is also very weird and raunchy in its own correct. Let's (s)examine.

Attempted angel rape

Almost accept probably read or heard nigh the story of Sodom and Gomorrah (Feel free to read the whole thing in Genesis if you're and then inclined). To paraphrase: God sent two angels to Sodom to see if information technology was really as wicked as he read on PerezHilton.com. The angels (in the guise of sometime men) stayed with Lot, and one time word got out, the entire urban center came to Lot'south door demanding to "know" the angels. (Genesis 19:v) ("Know" in this case probably means sexual practice. The same Hebrew word was used in Judges in regard to a grouping of men raping a woman to expiry, which scholars are fairly certain doesn't mean "They asked her about her Etsy blog."

Lot, ever the good host, offered his virgin daughters to the angry mob instead (and this was BEFORE they date-raped him — more than on that to come — and then really, someone have Lot's Father of the Year honour away), simply the mob refuses. The angels, at this indicate, are similar, "Enough, guys," blinds them, then God destroys the city.

Somehow this story is used to condemn homosexuality, even though why would you offer a mob of angry gay men 2 women to appease them? Also, not that nosotros don't find silver foxes bangable, but well, this seems more like a case of insane violence than, you know, a fun gay orgy. Just let'south continue.

Incest-y date rape

Subsequently Sodom was destroyed, Lot took his 2 daughters to alive with them in a cave (like ya do). One mean solar day, his older girl said to the younger:

"Our begetter is one-time, and there is no man around here to give us children — every bit is the custom all over the globe. Let's get our father to drink vino and then sleep with him and preserve our family line through our father." (Genesis xix:30)

This plan worked out so well that the younger daughter did it the post-obit nighttime, with Lot being entirely unaware of it once again, somehow!

"So they got their begetter to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in and slept with him. Again he was non enlightened of it when she lay downwardly or when she got upward. And then both of Lot's daughters became pregnant by their male parent." (Genesis 19:35)

That's the end! Cypher bad happens to these folks. They bear sons and name them Moab and Ben. To recap: Roofie-ing 1's elderly male parent and raping him = fine. Agreeing to lead a slave rebellion for God but forget to circumcise your baby son = DEATH.

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